Webshites part 2 – Matt

24 Feb

A person whom I suspect is McAsh’s webmaster commented on my previous post expressing his distaste at me mocking candidates websites.
Then he very helpfully linked me to Matt’s website.

Thanks!

Someone needs to tell Matt his site has been hacked. Someone is trying to sabotage his campaign by changing the background of his website to a colour which would automatically have any internet-browser shut down and turn off the computer to protect the eyes of the user.

Looking away from this, it’s fucking hard but I’ll try, Matt seems to have gone for the approach of “If they see my face many times they won’t be able to resist voting for me.” Very cunningly he has also depicted himself outside of a building which has a name that is an anagram of “McAsh. Cry, tall man.”
Well, ok, you get an L and an I left over from that, but you only need to borrow and E to make the word “LIE!”. Wait… am I really that fucking desperate? I am making ANAGRAMS? Fuck me.

Of course, I’m not the only one who is desperate. Some candidates also release these things called “manifestos” in the hopes that someone will read them. We all know, elections aren’t decided based only on smug faces. Realising that most students are too lazy to read, Matt has included a handy video to go along with his manifesto.

Based on the suggested videos it really seems like YouTube has the whole “EUSA election”-thing figured out. I’m also glad to see that Matt is actively expressing his interest in students dropping him a line about what they would want him to do as a president. It looks like you are going to have to drop him a line, because he obviously doesn’t care enough about students to let them comment on his fucking video.

One week left. One week, and it will all be over. Unless you all vote for RON.

Webshites Part 1 – McAsh and Crewther

21 Feb

I have returned from the dead. To quickly reply to a few of the e-mails I have received, no, I did not get “discovered”, yes, I am still alive, and no, I don’t want to buy any fucking Viagra.

For a week I have been hiding in the Teviot loos, just waiting for it all to go away. Eventually I got hungry, and despite the e-mail telling me to “eat shit”, I had to return to the world. And what did I find? Not only can I not go around the street of Edinburgh any more without being bombarded with the faces of people who want a fast-track into politics, I can’t even watch my fucking internet-porn without stumbling over the websites of these wannabe student councillors. It’s an infringement of my fucking human rights.

That was not the fucking O’s I was looking for, thank you very much.

McAshes web-tactic seems to be to reinvent the wheel, and put it everywhere on his website. And his wheels don’t even work. Want to find out how to get involved, save money, educate yourself, get free time or go about your unions? Well, you are out of luck.

I am sure McAsh would never ever show this kind of neglect if elected EUSA president… oh, wait. That isn’t even what he is running for. He seems to want to be Student President. I wonder when his campaign for being EUSA president will start?

Then there is Crewthers website, which becomes a lot more entertaining if you zoom out a bit.

I’m still not sure if this guy is expecting to be taken seriously. If he is he is failing spectacularly. So far his campaign consists pretty much of two videos. One of which, if I am being honest, I must admit is quite funny. Sadly this is let down by the other one where he takes a good’ish idea and executes it dreadfully. I’m a fair guy though, I’ll still give him a chance. Perhaps his manifesto will… wait a second… What is this he is promising? It will be “orgasmic” he says? Wow… I seem to have come full circle with this post. No pun intended.

Well, I have realised I am going to have to live with this election, so I might as well start shitting on it again.

Oh, and if Matt does in fact know how to use the internet, and has a website up, someone please e-mail me the link. My neglect of mentioning him will probably bring on yet another round of “Fuck off! We are all absolutely certain you are Matt!”‘ So, I would like to assure you, even though I haven’t seen Matt’s site yet, I am sure it is absolutely fucking terrible. There. Happy?

They are everywhere! They. Are. Fucking. Everywhere!

10 Feb

How many presidential candidates to we have now? Way too fucking many at least. There are the two big Mac’s, Matt and Ash. Then there is Trueman. And that Burger guy. I’ve also been tipped off about another “unknown” candidate that normally hangs out in Pollock halls. And now it seems like fucking Tom fucking Crewther is doing a reprise from last year.

That adds up to… six? SIX? FUCKING SIX PRESITENTIAL CANDIDATES? Jesus Christ.

So to keep my mind straight I better do a short summary of the candidates. Apart from the Big Mac’s. I’m bored with them. And the “unknown” candidate that normally hangs out at Pollock. Because I don’t even know her fucking name, I just know that she is running.

So that leaves Trueman, Beuerger and Crewther.

This is Tom Crewther. If you remember having seen him before it is because he ran as a joke candidate last year. This year he seems to be taking a slightly more serious approach, going with the whole unoriginal overused “I will make sure YOU are in charge of EUSA” shit.

Who knows? Perhaps he will produce a funny video or something. It won’t get him elected, but it might be mildly entertaining.

Then there is Trueman who has made quite a lot of effort on his blog. I see he has really taken my advice about “getting serious” to heart.

And then there is Ian Beurger… Who… I know nothing about at all. According to Google he doesn’t exist. If I see absolutely no publicity about him I might even vote for him.

Oh, crap. Browsing over eusalicious I now see that everyone has started putting websites up. They are even polluting my internet. Fucking brilliant.

VTE MCASH

7 Feb

Fuck! I see what his plan is!

Right, so try this. Stare at Ash’s left eye for 30 seconds. State intensely. Don’t look away. Now close your eyes. McAsh is literally putting his campaign on the inside of our eyelids!

He also has a Facebook group and a Website. His slogan seems to be “Think Different. Vote Different. Vote McAsh.”

And it seems he is trying to be different. In his entire Facebook-”vote for me”-blurb McAsh doesn’t mention EUSA. Not even once. He doesn’t even ask people to vote for him to be the president of EUSA or the Student Union, only “Student President.” But wait… I found a picture of him on a EUSA website! He was even wearing a fucking hat! He is part of EUSA, I know he is!

So yeah… McAsh seems to be distancing himself from EUSA. I guess that is the kind of bravery that has to be commended, even if it does turn out to be stupid.

It has begun

6 Feb

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Fuck Yeah! I have a campaign!

5 Feb

Matthew McPherSon has decided to go all Operah on us. He has launched a Facebook page to show his own support for his presidency.

“This campaign isn’t just mine- it’s yours.”

Since we now all own this campaign I assume that makes it okay for us all to ‘improve’ your posters as we see fit? I’ve always been a minimalist kind of guy. I think you should spend your entire campaign-budget on one huge poster and put it on the top of the roof of the tallest building at Kings Buildings. Please.

Matt is also clearly encouraging and facilitating deep and extensive discussions, exchange of ideas and input on both policy and strategy.

Matthew wants to make sure EUSA doesn’t continue to get caught up in its “own little bubble.” Have you seen the bubble lately Matt? It’s fucking ridiculously massive, and rising quickly due to all the hot air. However, no one needs to be in any doubt that Matt himself is very much within the bubble, as he spent the previous paragraphs outlining exactly how involved he has been in the bubble he so badly wants to burst.

Anyhow, I get the fucking idea. Our this, our that. Together we will do this and that, and all our opinions will be heard. And if he gets elected I am sure he will happily wave down at us from the bubble. But he will probably find it too warm and cosy to have any desire to burst it.

On a somewhat related note, apparently “everyone knows” that I am Matthew, and I am sure that me writing about him will probably fuel the fire. When the other candidates give me something to fucking write about I’ll get around to them.

For legal reasons (I don’t want to be arrested) I will not make a habit of engaging in discussions about my identity, but it does seem like some people think this blog is and is going to be used by Matthews team to promote his campaign and negatively campaign about the other candidates. I might be a miserable fucking bastard, but I like to think I am a fair miserable fucking bastard, and I wouldn’t want this blog to be used as an attack on Matt’s campaign. I would therefore like to make it very clear that I am not Matt or part of Matt’s campaign. Please stop sending me e-mails telling me that I am.

Secret VPS candidate revealed: Carlos Ray Norris

3 Feb

Fuck it. Another candidate comes to light. All sabbatical positions now seem to be contested. FUCK. I have it on good authority that one of the candidates running to be VPS of EUSA in the upcoming election is someone called Carlos Ray Norris.

Carlos, in a pathetic attempt to win over voters by imitating Sam Hansfords beard.

Carlos, or “Chuck” has not had much previous involvement with EUSA as he currently lives in the US, having studied environmental sciences off-site at the university for two years.

He is a member of the local drama-club, and has had a few minor roles in some Hollywood C-movies. Due to this he is quite a well-known face in his local community. My sources say that this has made his ego fucking enormous, in other words, a good fit for EUSA. He has also appeared in some Czech commercials for T-mobile, something he considers to be his greatest achievement to date.

Carlos is thought to be running on a general anti cuts platform, as “anything that can’t be done with your fists isn’t worth doing.”

As far as campaigning goes, Chucky seems to have prepared well. He has a thing going where “facts” about himself are listed, making him out to be some kind of fucking superman. He also have a protected Twitter account, but I assume we will see it open up and be full of the regular camp-fucking-aining any time soon.

Carlos may think he is some kind of tough-guy, but as any other non-EUSA candidate he will probably be facing a losing battle, even though he is planning to fly into Edinburgh and campaign for a week. Who knows though, he will probably have the mature-student vote behind him. Perhaps even the, apparently fucking crucial, “Bedlam” vote.

Phillipppa might want to keep an eye on this one.

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